Daily journal

Wow.. Who knows how long I'll do this before I forget about it again or have no time. The one thing that drives me nuts is when someone tells me they have no time to stop and visit someone or to say hello and I don't want to be that person. I guess I'm used to having more time then most. My Grandma always says I'm to busy but I don't think I am. If I have time to watch re-runs of top chef or some of the other stupid reality shows I watch, I have time.. haha.. She always says that when I offer to do something for her or take her somewhere. But I guess just the fact that I have 4 kids, she doesn't think I have time.

I thought I was good at managing time but I've never challenged myself like I'm about to and it freaks me out. I worry that I'm not smart enough and I keep telling myself even if I'm not, I can figure things out but I don't want to scare myself silly.

I wasn't big on school when I was younger. I think it was because I wasn't motivated. I knew I wouldn't live at home forever, I don't really know what I thought was going to happen. I know I was stupid and I should of applied myself. I know that I didn't run around with the best of kids but they were my friends and they didn't run my life. I could easily make my own decisions, I was just to much of a follower.

I do wish I would of been more level headed and thought about my future more. All I cared about was running and being with friends. When I had Braiden though, I wasn't like that anymore. My weekends with friends became my weekends with him. Sure, my mom would babysit and I could go out but I chose not to. A huge crusher was when I became really good friends with this guy and he then told me how he wished I didn't have a child because he wanted to be more then friends. Sure I felt bad to a certain point but I wouldn't of changed anything for him.

The changes I would of made would of just been to have been able to secure a future for my kids before having them. Theres so much more in life that I can't give them. My kids however don't care, they aren't the matieralistic type but still, there are some things.

I am starting late but I am starting. I seriously never thought I could get the loans or grants or anything to help me with school. I never ever met with anyone about school before and I kick myself for not checking. I know I'm making the right decision but OMG it's freaking scary!!