Depression

There really are no words right now as to how I feel. All I know is I feel like there is something missing and in return, I am not able to concentrate or do anything I enjoy doing. I manage to get my school done and that is about it. I will be graduating here soon and was planning on returning for a second degree but now I'm not so sure. I keep asking myself if I should. My lupus has gotten to the point of not being able to do certain things and having to rely on my husband. If I continue to get worst (which obviously I will) all I am doing is racking up tons of money.

I also feel as if I've let my kids down. Going to the park just to play Frisbee is exhausting and almost impossible. I'm stuck having to sit and watch. Maybe I should be more thankful I am at least able to sit and watch. I am thankful that they understand. I know it hurts them, especially Justin, that I have such a hard time but I have no other options.

My fingers are crosses that some miracle drug will come out sometime soon. I want to be able to put my education to use and make my kids proud of me. If I had the opportunity now to move and land a job that would support us, I would so do it. I would love to get us out of here and start a new life. However, the longer I go, it never going to happen. Regardless I think we are stuck here and all I can do is keep my fingers crossed for something good to come my way. All of my efforts hopefully will not go not noticed.

uggg

I think it's programmed into us, we have no choice but to think of the bad things that can happen when something significant is about to happen. I hate it and no matter how hard I try, the thought of this surgery is making me sick. I keep thinking back to my gall bladder surgery and how I still think that was a mistake, what if this one is a mistake to. I can't sleep or eat and all I want to do is cry. I don't want to have the surgery but in reality, I know I have no choice.

The waiting game

I have no patience and I am not afraid to admit it. I hate waiting more than anything else and when it comes to medical stuff, it's even worst. I know for the most part it can't be helped but I think Dr's offices should hire people just to call patients back with test results because when your told you might have cancer, the week wait is almost a killer.

So far one test has came back negative but now I need a complete hysterectomy to make sure I don't have cervical or ovarian and of course, I need money up front since I am so lucky as to not have insurance. Again, I understand, not complaining. It's life threatening but I have a billion and one words that I could use for the pain that I am in and have been for the last five months. I would of thought that would count for something but I guess not. Hopefully within the next few months we can come up with the 50% they require and not ruin Christmas in the meantime. I have faith. We are going to try to cash out my husbands retirement. I know, really, really stupid but what else do we do. We're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.

Bright side is my kids are all healthy. Getting ready for Braidens graduation in May. We've ordered his cap and gown and a few other fun things. We are planning a big party for him because he more than deserves it!

Mind Games

I'm thinking I should feel a little bad but I don't. Usually I'm in tears now, so upset that I can't see my nephews and nieces but I've grown so tired of the games my sister enjoys playing. I love them to death but they will never know. My sister and her husband will fill the kids heads with lies like they did the older ones. When my oldest nephew left them, I thought he was going to change and be nothing like them. I was wrong. When my niece left the, I thought about how grown up she seemed. Nope, I was wrong. She's just like her mom, gets what she wants and then she is out the door. I have totally disowned my other nephew. After he went rampant about how he wanted to kill me and how he's always hated me. That was enough. I've laid down five to many times for him to walk all over me.

I have no emotions or feelings left inside me for them and it feels so good.

I am saddened my nephew is in jail again. My mom is going to see him Wednesday. She wanted me to go but I said no. I meant what I said when I said I was done. When I went to his last court date when he was arrested, after being transferred to another jail, it was me who he called to bail him out. Stupid me did it to. I cried many nights when he lived with us, only because I saw no future in him. 21 years old, a high school drop out, no job, no life, pot head.. the list goes on and on. When I kicked him out, it felt good to have the burden off my back. I have come to realize I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

I just love though how so many people have so much to say but when the time comes for help, they are nowhere to be found. I am learning to just stay away but again, I feel good, no hard feelings.

I am smiling, inside and out!

aljdljaie

So it has been forever since I have wrote anything on here. I am always thinking about posting something but of course when the thought crosses my mind, I am no where near a computer.

My life is crazy as usual. My kids are still amazing (no surprise) and things are starting to look up. I have my fingers crossed that it stays that way.

This year is Braidens senior year and I want to cry. I worry about what life is going to be like for him after school. He wants to go to college and we are going to do everything possible to make sure he can go. Not only for him to go would be a huge accomplishment but I know it would open other doors for him. All of the social clubs he could join and community events he could participate in. I don't want him to be stuck at home all the time. Really, our only challenge for him to go is not that we would have to move but the fact that it would be Trevor's senior year and that wouldn't be so fair to Trevor. Maybe Trev could stay with my mom or something. I'm sure we can work something out.

My school is going great. I found out last night I made the Deans list. I accomplished my goal of making all three lists, however, I didn't do it in order. I said I would make the Honor Roll, Dean's List and then the Presidents; work my way up. Of course, I couldn't do things the easy way, I am inconsistent in everything I do. I made the Honor Roll a few times, and then I made the President's List and then the Honor Roll a few more times and now the Dean's List. I can say though that I have made at least the Honor Roll every mod and I am happy with that.

I will graduate shortly after Braiden does and I was planning on going back for my Masters but I have decided to go back and get my BA in Forensic Accounting. I would really like to stay in the field of taxes and possibly to work for the IRS someday.


So that's about enough for me today =) Time to fix dinner for my munchkins now.